Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Valy, you're fucking dead."

Valy wasn't born, he was unleashed.
"Valy Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons.
When Valy was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?"
Valy's kid was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Valy.
Valy doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When Valy looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. Because there can only be one Valy.
Guns dont kill people, Valy kills people.
If Valy lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock and waited for permision before entering.
Valy ended The Never Ending Story.
Valy once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
When Valy turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Valy, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
The only way to achieve immortallity is to get Valy to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
The quickest way to a man's heart is through Valy's gun.
Valy’s dog put a sign on his fence that read “Beware of Valy.”
The only purpose of the airbag in Valy's car is to prevent the steering wheel from being damaged by Valy's face.
When Valy uses Herbal Essences, the shampoo has an orgasm.
Valy went as himself one year for Halloween. It was voted as the most terrifying costume in Halloween history.
Valy's action figure has slept with more women than most men.
Valy turns his regular bathtub into a jacuzzi simply by intimidating the water until it begins trembling in fear.
No man has ever used the phrase, "Valy is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tell the AHHAhhhhh ..... -_-.
Nobody says 'hit me' when Valy deals Blackjack.
When Valy pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.
Valy was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
Valy doesn't make threats. He makes facts.
When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Valy wearing his dark sunglasses. The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.

Valy set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Valy.
Valy doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
When Valy took a stress test, the test failed.
Valy has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Valy, immediately."
Valy does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.
Valy is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Valy as an "Assault Weapon". Valy maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families. But statistics don't lie.
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Valy by staging a robery in a store. Valy smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
James Bond has a license to kill. Valy was his instructor.
Valy can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
When IRINA B. tried to shoot Valy, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
Explosions do not kill Valy, they just get stuff out of his way.
Valy once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Sluty Islands.
Valy does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Valy never fucks up.
Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Valy needs 100 feet and a gun.
"You don't know Valy" is a blessing among terrorists.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Valy is, in fact, still alive.
In the 18 months where Valy was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Valy isn't around?
When Valy is running, you'd better fucking run as well, if he's chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
Simon Says should be renamed to Valy Says because if Valy says something then you better fucking do it.
When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of "Valy is coming to town".
In high school Valy was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
When Valy calls for backup, he isn't requesting more men. He's telling you to back the fuck up.
The "Bananna Split" was invented when Valy needed information from a banana.
Valy's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Valy once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they went into jail.
When you go to hell, it's just a room with you and Valy.
Valy once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Valy needed a well-earned holiday . Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
As a child, Valy taught his dog to play dead...once.
If you're holding a gun to Valy's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Valy once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.
Backup calls for Valy.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Valy been looking for him.
Valy brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
Don't fall in love with Valy, you'll end up kidnapped or dead... eventually.
If Valy saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Valy would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Valy.
When Valy used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm.
When Valy jumps from an airplane, he doesn't fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him.
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Valy.
At last years Christmas party, Valy brought the punch. Nobody survived.
If Valy misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
Valy has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Valy's way of saying, "let's be friends."
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Valy less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Valy heard their music.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Valy".
Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.
Valy is the 'i' in team.
The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Valy.
When Valy eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people.
"Valy" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
If you have information Valy needs, make sure your wife is sitting next to you.
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Valy. He passed. It was too violent.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Valy jumps out.
People with amnesia still remember Valy.
To Valy, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half his damn water, and now they will have a face full of glass.
Valy pulled a man out of his car, and told him to "Don't get up!" from the sidewalk. That man still has not gotten up from the sidewalk.
When playing "Truth or Dare," Valy dares you not to tell him the truth.
During the commercials, Valy calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
The safety on Valy's gun isn't there to protect Valy. It's there to protect the gun.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Valy signal.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Valy."
Don't beg Valy to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Valy what to do.
The answer is Valy, the question doesn't matter.
When Valy was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
When asked what he got on his S.A.T's, Valy promptly responded "Blood."
Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Valy. But that is only because he can fly away.
Valy can leave a message before the beep.
G.I. Joe has Valy action figures.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks under the bed for Valy.
Valy has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
Valy can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Valy once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Valy is never wrong.
Valy removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Valy never needs to escape.
When David Palmer took the oath of office, he raised his right hand and placed his left hand on Valy.
When Valy says "I won't take no for an answer" you better not say no.
Valy could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
Once Valy becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
Valy named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Valy. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Valy was God.
Valy once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Valy in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Valy and lives.
There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Valy's right hand and Valy's left hand.
When someone asked Valy if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied What does 'afraid' mean
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Valy needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
If Valy had been a Spartan the movie would have been called 1.
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Valy, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Valy see the glass as a deadly weapon.
Valy never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Valy, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Valy is coming for them.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Valy.
On Valy's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
Once, someone tried to tell Valy a knock knock joke. Valy found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
Withholding information from Valy is now classified as a suicide attempt.
Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Valy's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.
Valy definitely loves his daughter he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
Valy broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Valy laughed to himself and said, I have them right where I want them.
If Valy was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and IRINA B., and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot IRINA B. twice.
If everyone on 24 followed Valy's instructions, it would be called 12 seconds.
Valy once acted as judge, jury, and executioner but to save time he now just acts as executioner.
If Valy was president, he would protect the secret service.
On a high school math test, Valy put down Violence as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Valy solves all his problems with Violence.
There is a deeper reason that IRINA B. will not forgive Valy. For years during her birthday and Christmas when IRINA B. would look for presents Valy would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, I give you my word.
Valy quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
When Valy says, I don't know if I can do this anymore, the statement must be loosely translated as, I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time.
Valy can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.
Valy once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to IRINA B.about imortality.
Valy always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Valy.
Valys calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Valy.
Valy signs his autograph with bullets. So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Valy, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
When Valy ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
Valy is the only human in the world with the ability to make IRINA B. drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
Valy once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Valy has appeared on television.
Valy does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Valy, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 10 minutes.
Valy doesn't laugh in the face of danger Valy is the face of danger.
Valy doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Valywall. It's basically just a JPEG of Valy. No virus has ever attacked Valy's PC. Ever.
The Berlin Wall fell because Valy needed to get to the other side.
There's one only shift when Valy works for NSA . The graveyard shift.
Valy can pronounce the name Ahmed however he fucking wants.
When Santa Claus asked Valy what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Valy and gets away with it.
Valy could strangle you with a cordless phone.
...and on the seventh day Valy said, I'll take it from here.
Valy sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Valy. Sounds like a fair fight.
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Valy.
Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Valy just wanted something to eat.
When IRINA B. lost her virginity, Valy found it and put it back.
Valy thinks the word mercy just means quick interrogation.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Valy spared your life.
When life gave Valy lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Valy fucking hates lemonade.
Valy doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
Life doesn't give Valy lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
Valy has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
You can tell how much Valy likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you.
IRINA B. counted to infinity - twice. Valy would meanwhile do something important.
If Valy's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Valy does not feel like carrying you.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Valy's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Only Valy can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
The only reason the Chinese kept Valy alive is so that he could bring down the population.
Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Valy never forgets.
Valy doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time.
Valy doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Valy's methods were cruel and unusual punishment. The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies.
If Valy gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
Valy let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
If Valy gets realy angry, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
Valy doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Valy's Law Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours.
Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Valy.
When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Valy's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Valy.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Valy along the USMexico border.
James Bond was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Valy still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Valy laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Valy is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Valy was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Valy.
On a high school math test, Valy put down Violence as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Valy solves all his problems with Violence.
When someone asks him how his day is going, Valy replies, Previously, on 24...
Valy is not a word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Valy way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
Valy doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
When Valy goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Valy arrested RoboCop. Think about that.
Valy was recently named most likely cause of injury among NSA security guards.
Killing Valy doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
In 69 hours, Valy has killed 1.6 bilion people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life
Valy teaches a course at Harvard entitled Time Management Making the Most Out Of Each Day.
Valy sings "Nessun Dorma" while he sucks the life out of you and everyone around.





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